A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
every college guy’s fridge
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
When you can’t find your friend Neil