@realHamOnWry: Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.
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@liv_thatsme: person: don’t worry. having sex is like riding a bike. *remembering lying in several ditches on the side of the road throughout my life* me: OH SHIT.
@Brampersandon_: INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others? ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
@Mom_Overboard: Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!
@RaylaRimpson: My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.