Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more