@pmclellan: Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I'm single.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer "former girl scout who is always prepared."
@aligarchy: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt? ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here
@bammersacat: This holiday season, tell your kids the smoke detector is Santa’s camera and watch them clean their rooms like army cadets.
@SpankMeIm0ty: At the rate I'm throwing shit out as I pack to move there's a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house