@pmclellan: Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I'm single.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop] COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID? MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: I got the dirt off. Wife: What does that mean? Me: *hides the leaf blower*
@RobElliottComic: Say "Literally" and "Legit" a few more times in that sentence so I know it's literally legit