Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My neck my back my allergy attack