Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
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Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.