Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
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“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too