when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
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Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no