Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff