Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Stop being racist to kettles.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that