garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.