doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.