doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Spa day..😅
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.