[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
You Might Also Like
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
…żyje?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild