An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
incredible
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.