@LisaACOTA: Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don't need to own a whole dollar store thanks
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@mrtimlong: When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to "make God laugh"? You wouldn't order a dead carpenter to "make God some bookshelves."
@stephenjmolloy: 'Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?' - instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
@turtledumplin: Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue? Don't you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?