@LisaACOTA: Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don't need to own a whole dollar store thanks
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@Ivsy01: Me:Thank you, he's so hot I don't even know what I want to do first...Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
@Pauly_Miller: If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.
@Playing_Dad: *turns on shower* *shower whispers "eat donuts for breakfast" & "get drunk tonight"* Me: Wow, that's some serious water pressure
@JaneSays___: Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone's mouth while they're talking?