i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.