Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
You Might Also Like
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”