@kharizzmaaa: Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
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@DaddyWithTwins: Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’. -Unoriginal -No -Has that literally ever worked? Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’ -Suave -Well that’s new -Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
@DaddyJew: Parent: my child's reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at? Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet
@murrman5: [wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
@Tadicles: When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music" , but when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave the Hardware Store"