Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.