@philyuck: Dominos dropped the “pizza” from its name because they’re not legally allowed to call that pizza.
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@Nahdude83: I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they've already seen me coming.
@wittwitbarista: In Seattle, there's a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
@nimble__nick: *At the pearly gates* St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around. Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.
@DancesWithTamis: I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out