Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
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I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.