@philyuck: Dominos dropped the “pizza” from its name because they’re not legally allowed to call that pizza.
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@heatherlarson77: Live today like it's your last. But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.
@lilgapeach32: You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.
@KissabiX: [sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe] Me: what have you been up to in there? Lion: Narnia business
@RidiculousSheri: Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.