@BadJordon: Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.
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@TenaciousGrace_: Part of me says, "I can't keep drinking like this." While another says "Don't listen to her, she's drunk."
@perlapell: Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to "your place", take him to Target.
@PieChord: Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.
@zachreinert03: Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said 'its up in the air'. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn't be in this mess