Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I beg your pardon?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Maths meets science
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.