@BadJordon: Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.
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@ashmensch: *guy getting eaten by a shark* Guy: I just wanted to say I'm Vegan. Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
@dysalexia: You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.
@Darlainky: If these seasonal allergies don't kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.