Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*seductively eats two tums*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”