DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
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I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound