[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.