DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u