Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
repaired
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches