Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
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Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash