Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.