Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.