Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.