Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Check your privilege
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.