[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
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[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My new favorite headline
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.