@XplodingUnicorn: Donald Trump's chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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@iwearaonesie: wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun! wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
@TheCatWhisprer: Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
@aveuaskew: It isn't a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.