Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’m about to risk it all
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
We’ve all been there
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body