[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Seems kinda suspicious
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.