Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.