I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
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Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”