Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”