@timdonakowski: Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
@thatcarlygirl: "Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
@notfaizzy: waiter: what would you like to order, sir? me: a naked salad, please. waiter: ... me: you know, no dressing.
@AndyAsAdjective: The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.