Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”