Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot