I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.