Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
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Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….