My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
The second world war should have been called world war returns
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.