Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?