Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u