@I_Bl33d_Purple: Don't be sad dirty dishes, nobody's doing me either.
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@colegamble: The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
@jonnysun: *full moon emerges from behimd clouds* nno--nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A-- IM A-- *turns into bungalow* IM A WAREHOUSE
@WalkingOutside: Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
@SuperRandomish: Me: *singing "Don't stop believing"* Joe: What are you doing? Me: Practicing for Journey duty J: You mean Jury duty? M: No, it says...shit