Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
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I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I think this should do it.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I am yelling
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.