don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film