People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
#StillHurts
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.