@TheMichaelRock: Don't be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
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@mstern68: You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners'
@ericsshadow: My wife Googled "how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter" and now she won't let me stay home alone.
@SortaBad: "I have a coupon for a large 2 topping" "What toppings?" "Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza" "Sir you can't top a pizza with a smaller pizza"