Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My last name is Zilla.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
british sex workers really pound for pound
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning