If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
This took me a second..
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Clients after you give them your rates
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
🍞🦆
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”