This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
You Might Also Like
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright