@0point5twins: OMG... JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA- Oh wait, it's Ravioli.

@bobbiejo448: "That's Superman, that's Batman, and that's Cyborg. If you won't call them by their names, I can't play with you anymore." - me to my 5yo.

@brunopieroni: Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel's name instead.

@trevso_electric: The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.

@dafloydsta: BOSS: We need to improve morale ME: Okay BOSS: How about an office party? ME: [crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies"] I guess