Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
The struggle is real.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.