Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Flock of bats
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs