Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak